Expelliamus!
by Crazy Sisters Incorporated
Summary: Things do not go well when Martha Jones infringes upon the copyrights of none other than the great Harry Potter. Takes place during "The Shakespeare Code". Includes a fainting J.K. Rowling, a childish Harry, and a guest appearance by Sherlock Holmes.
1. Chapter 1

_Expelliamus! : The Crazy HP/DW Crossover _

_Written by Nadie Evanescence & Canadian Monkey _

_Disclaimer: There is no way on Earth or any other planet in this universe that we own the great Harry Potter or the brilliant Doctor Who. We wish we did though. Sigh. _

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**Chapter One **

The world was going to end at the Globe Theatre. Thousand upon thousand of Carrionites were escaping into the world to create havoc upon the world, and the only three people who could stop this disaster were a playwright, a medical student, and a time-traveling alien in Converses. The trio seemed to speak to each other with much yelling until the playwright began a speech that was sure to stir the coldest of hearts. Then, he had speaker's block.

Human civilization say hello to the Rapture.

"Um, Um….," Shakespeare stammered as more aliens escape. He couldn't find a rhyming word.

Suddenly, a light bulb appeared but above the _wrong_ person's head.

"Expelliamus!" Martha exclaimed.

**POOF!**

Out of nowhere, a teenage boy in robes appeared. His hair was ratty and his glasses were cheap. A lighting bolt was etched across his forehead.

"Hey, that's my line! You stole it!" the boy accused and pointed childishly at Martha. Martha's eyes grew wide as she recognized the whining teenager as Harry Potter.

Shakespeare, obviously, had no clue who Harry Potter was or the "expelliamus". "I believe you are mistaken. That word is Ms. Jones's word."

"Oh my gosh! You are a literary character! I mean I've seen stranger things than this. Those rhinos were something else but you. You can't be real!" Martha continued to babble and point at Harry like a confused child for a few more minutes. It seemed like the adventures of the day finally took a toll on her with the appearance of the wizard.

After her rant, an award silience appeared with no one knowing how to respond to the situation at hand. Even the aliens halted their escape to observe this strange happening. Everyone was confused expect Harry who was just mad. He was standing there with his arms crossed and his lips in a childish pout as he impatiently waited through the whole speech. Now, Harry wanted to take action.

"Well, I am real, and I am going to prove it!" He reached into his robes and pulled out a long, wooden stick. "I'm going to bring the person who can prove that you stole my word! Accio Rowling!"

With a poof, a blonde, middle-aged woman materialized in the middle of the stage. Her hair was frazzled, and she was dressed in a pair of pjs with little witches flying with broomsticks all over. It took her a moment to realize she wasn't in Edinburgh anymore, then, she began to turn around and look at her surroundings. Luckily, she looked at the stage first and not at the aliens floating above the stage. If she did, the poor woman would have fainted, and no one wants that comedic action to happen to an unfortunate being taken out of her bedroom by a childish teenage wizard.

A few seconds into her evaluation, she shouted loudly to herself, "Well, this is bloody perfect! How did I end up here?"

Harry puffed his chest out proudly, "Well, that is simple, Mrs. Rowling. I poofed you here."

J. K. Rowling snapped around to see a raven-haired boy in tattered roves with a lighting bolt scar. Her face drastically paled as her eyes grew to the size of the moon. She screamed out in terror and instantly fainted with a comical thud.

Poor J.K., I guess some things were meant to be.

A/N: And that was the first chapter. Love it or hate it. It's our first one so be as nice as you can, but if you really don't like us tell us. We'll just cry into our glasses of milk.

REVIEW!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: If we own these things then we are bunnies that now how to type. (leaves to get carrot)

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**Chapter Two **

Shakespeare went to Rowling's aide and began fanning her. Martha was quickly growing tired of this queer soap opera and scooted over to the Doctor who was pointing his sonic screwdriver and muttering through this whole ordeal. Her accuser followed.

"How is this happening, Doctor?" she inquired.

"Doctor?" Harry rudely butted between the pair suspiciously eyeing the strange man with the weird light stick. "Doctor who?"

To avoid the curious teenager, the Doctor turned towards J.K. and Shakespeare and acted like he was really interested in what the sonic screwdriver was reading. He knew where this conversation was leading to, and this was not the time to poke fun at his name. "Nothing, it's just the Doctor," he growled through his teeth.

Sadly, Harry did not have the brains to be placed in Ravenclaw, or he would have noticed that this line of questioning greatly peeved the Doctor, and with the blunt stupidity the Gryffindor are notorious for, he continued to interrogate. "But doctors have last names."

As Harry's appearance was Martha's breaking point, this statement was the Doctor's. For centuries, he had to face the embarrassment of explaining to fools and geniuses that his name was just the Doctor. He wasn't going to let this need of an explanation just slide. People needed to accept the fact that he wanted to be called "the Doctor".

"Well, I did not get my medical license. OK! Does that satisfy your ignorant ape mind? My name is the Doctor! It is just the Doctor! Now can we please get back on topic?!"

His enraged voice echoed across the theater, yet J.K. was still unconscious. The rant made the Doctor momentarily exhausted. He drew in deep breaths and willed his hearts to slow down while Martha and Harry cautiously stepped away. They didn't want to be in his crosshairs.

"Ok, Doctor. Let's do get back on topic. Explain what is going on, "warily replied Martha.

"All right, let me first put on my smartical glasses. They make me look clever." The Doctor paused for a moment to put his glasses on. "Splendid! Now it's elementary my dear Martha. What we did, no no…" He paused once again to turn towards Martha and shoved his finger accusingly in her face, "You and Shakespeare created this literary catastrophe. The dimensional fabric of this place was already weakened by the Carrionites' arrival, and when you said that literary term, a tear in the fabric of time and space was created. Your literary term then pulled Harry out of his world and into ours via poofing."

This explanation seemed to satisfy the rookie companion, but there was still one thing that didn't make sense to Martha. "So, how did J.K. get here?"

The Time Lord gave her a look of conceited pity and rolled his eyes,"Duh! Harry has magic. He poofed her here."

"Oh. Ok."

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AN:

Nadie: Must delete the word smartical. (Reaching towards delete button.)

CM: Don't even think about.

Nadie: But I must stop the madness

CM: But it's my word. And I thought you loved me. (Said with puppy dog eyes)

Nadie: Sorry guys it got to stay.

CM: Sorry the chapter was so short, but we make up for it in Chapter 3. Please review, if you do, you won't have to suffer the puppy dog eyes I give.

Nadie: Fear the all-powerful puppy dog eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:

Nadie: Are we really bunnies? (Twitches nose)

CM: No, silly.

Nadie: Rats. That means we don't own these things. I was willing to act like a bunny to own these multimillion dollars entertainment empires.

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**Chapter 3**

After this explanation, J.K. woke up in Shakespeare's arms. This is not as romantic as one may think. No, romantic would be finding yourself whisked away from your abode to a fabulous Arabian oasis or Pacific beach and after collapsing from the ecstasy at seeing this masterpiece of God's, you find yourself in the arms a roguishly handsome hunk. Sadly, J.K. was kidnapped from her bathroom to find herself in a nightmarish theater, fainted after seeing her fictional character, and has awaken in the grasp of a smelly Elizabethan stranger.

It took all of her strength to not scream and faint again.

"What happened?" she inquired as she removed herself from Shakespeare's arms and drew herself upright.

Harry turned his eyes towards the heavens. "As I have told you before and this doctor of Merlin knows what has told that thief, I poofed you here.

J.K. just stared at Harry for a good, solid minute. "Poofed?"

"Yeah, poofed."

The writer shook her head and sighed a sigh of exhaustion. "I guess that makes sense, at least as mush sense as Dumbledore being gay."

"Which really doesn't," the Doctor cut in.

J.K. gave the Time Lord a murderous glare and would have given the rude man a piece of her mind if Martha didn't heroically jump in. Martha rose her hands up diplomatically and said, "Let's forget about that and return to our current problem." The two nodded their heads in agreement.

Now all this time, Harry has been in the sidelines watching this spectacular with about as much fascination as the Carrionites had, but now they were back to the problem at hand, and it was time for some action.

"Oh, yeah," he replied, "Let's do get back to the problem, the one where YOU STOLE MY LINE."

"CALM DOWN!!!" The Doctor and Martha exclaimed in the fashion a mother would scolded a misbehaving child.

"I CANNOT CALM DOWN WHEN SOMEONE'S STOLE MY LINE!!!"

"You know," J.K. shakingly intervened, "he is kind of right. I did have the book copyrighted."

A confused Shakespeare clutched his head, threw it back and shout to the sky "No one here stole anybody's stupid line! 'Expelliamus' is completely original!" He brought his head back down as a realization came upon him, "By the way, who in the bloody world are you two?," he pointed at the pajama-clad author and teenage wizard, "You two have been here for awhile, and I still don't know who you are."

Once again, Harry proudly puffed up his chest and proclaimed, "I'm Haumphumph." This was all he could let out for Martha sprinted towards Harry and covered his mouth with her mouth.

"Shut up!" she whispered to Harry and J.K. who was never by, "That's William Shakespeare. You know, the one who wrote Romeo and Juliet and from 400 years ago. He can't know who you guys are."

J.K. was again in shock. She timidly pointed at Shakespeare and whispered, "He's the William Shakespeare."

"Yeah."

THUD! For the second time, poor J.K. Rowling fainted where she stood.

"Not again," Martha moaned.

Shakespeare crossed his arms and impatiently tapped his foot in the manner of an angered spouse. "So, who are they?"

"Oh," nonchalantly replied the Doctor,"they're just some people. Just ignore them. He slapped his hand at the duo like the movement would make Rowling and Potter evaporate and prove how insignificant they are.

"Hey!" Harry childishly exclaimed. "Don't ignore me. I'm a very important person."

The Doctor cupped his ear "What was that? I thought I heard something that sounded like this, Blah Blah Blah Blah."

"Oh how mature of you," sarcastically rebuked the wizard while he rolled his eyes.

"Oi!"

"Will you boys stop bickering?!" cried out an exhausted Martha. This mess was getting out of control. "Let's settle this. I am sorry I said your line, Harry. You are just so famous."

"You are forgiven. At least _somebody_ notice my importance." The last line followed by a glare from Harry to the Doctor who stuck out his tongue.

By this time J.K. Rowling woke and weakly stood up while clutching her hurt head. "Man, I got to stop doing that."

"I agree. It is pretty bad for the old noggin," replied the Doctor knocking on his head for emphasis.

A brief glare at him was the author's only response to that comment. (She was still flustered concerning his remarks about how stupid Dumbledore being gay was.) Then, she was back to the business at hand. "Alright, lets settle this line fight."

"Already done," responded Martha, "I've apologized so there is no more "line fight"."

"Oh, I missed a lot."

"Yep!" exclaimed the Doctor. (This received another of Rowling's evil glares.)

"How are we going to completely settle this," asked Shakespeare. "Nobody is mad anymore but what are we going to so about the lines."

After a few minutes of delegation, all anyone could think of was that one of two needed to change their lines with something else.

"But with what?" Martha asked.

"You know I like the word monkey," the Doctor suggested. He had a dreamy smile on his face as if the word "monkey" gave him a sense of euphoria.

This suggestion caused a few stares but no one could think of a better word. All they could think of was why the Doctor likes monkeys.

"So, now we know what we are going to switch"expelliamus" with, who is going to do the switching?" Martha questioned.

"NOT ME!!!!!!!" J.K. screamed spreading her arms out in a idiotic attempt to distance herself from the possibility of changing expelliamus to monkeys. "I did not intend to put the word 'monkey' in my book."

"Plus, I would sound really stupid saying 'monkey' to kill Voldemort," agreed Harry.

"Yeah, stupid!" hollered Rowling.

"What will happen when we say the spell with the word 'monkey'? Will a bunch of monkeys shoot out of the wand and claw the intended wizard's face?" questioned Harry.

In surfer dude fashion, the Doctor responded with, "Sweeeeeeeeeeeet. I've got to put that function on my sonic screwdriver."

Shakespeare lamented loudly for he too did not want to use the word 'monkey'. "I guess that means I have to change my line to 'monkey'." "Why me," he inwardly moaned.

The Doctor clapped his hands gleefully and exclaimed, "Great." Now that we have that settled, we have one more itty bitty problem to solve."

"What problem?" Martha asked confused.

With one theatrical swoosh of his finger; the Doctor revealed to the troupe of quarrelers that the Carrionites were still floating dumbly in the air watching the soap opera in front of them. Many would assume that a race trapped somewhere would flee at the first chance of escape, but how can they leave when entertainment rivaling a Shakespeare masterpiece played out in front of them?

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about them," Martha replied dumbly.

And so our daring poet Shakespeare returned to his moving speech that would trap the Carrionites forever. He said every word including 'monkey'! (He winced when he got to that line.) The poor Carrionites, they had no chance of escape. By the time they realized what was occurring, it was too late, and their screams and attempts to find shelter were in vain. Within a minute, all traces of Carrionites were eradicated.

The Doctor grinned proudly at the empty theater. Oh, the wonders of words. "Well that's done," he cried.

J.K. Rowling threw her head back and sighed relief. "Does that mean I can go home now?"

"Sure," Harry replied, "I just need a spell to send you back."

J.K.'s head shot upright like a knife being clicked out of its blade. Her eyes were red with fury. "YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SEND ME HOME!!!" she screamed.

Harry has faced basilisks and dark wizards but this was the scariest thing in his life.

"There is no reversal to accio spell. Please forgive me, Mistress!" I did the spell in the heat of the moment," Harry pleaded.

This tactic seemed to get through to J.K., and she began to calm down. "How about this spell then, Harry. Sendo Backo."

Harry was kissing J.K.'s feet when she said this and upon hearing the spell shot his head up. "Please not that spell, Mistress. Make another spell up. It's stupid."

Once again, J.K. Rowling was mad. "Hey, I created you so I can kill you, wanker. I don't have my Latin translator right now. DEAL WITH IT!!!"

Harry drew a sigh of defeat. He knew he lost this battle. "Fine. Sendo Backo."

With a burst of smoke and a 'poof', the author and wizard disappeared to their appropriate spaces in time. This just left Martha, Shakespeare, and the Doctor staring at each other. A strange event had just occurred, a very strange event. How could one possibly comprehend that queer conversation consisting of faints, yells, and monkeys?

Well, the doctor seems to hold the ability to process strange occurances. After nearly a second of the British doo's leave, he giggled at the absurdity of it all and clapped his hands together. "I guess that's the end," he replied.

**POOF!**

"Not exactly."

Out of the smoke, a man in a brown trench coat walked and cut across the stage. His brown hat's flaps bounced with every step. The stranger paused at the center and took out his pipe and puffed a bit of the tobacco while glancing around.

"I deduce that someone in the vincinty of this environment has plagurized my line. Has anyone said 'elementary'?"

THE END


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